GUY: Just Guy is fine, Gordy, I ain’t one to put on airs an’ stand on ceremony. [ a woman from the audience screams out “I love you, Guy!”, the audience laughs and applauds as Guy winks back and finger-pistols at her ] Back atcha, babe! [ grins knowingly at GGG ]
GGG: So tell us a little bit about yourself, Guy. What is it that makes you an effective Green Lantern? What’s the goal of the GLC when it comes to protecting the freedom of your fellow Earthlings and especially your American countrymen?
GUY: Well, Gordy, first of all, Green Lanterns are specially selected based on their ability to overcome fear - it’s will that powers these babies. [ holds up his hand to show his ring ] That makes me an’ my fellow ringslingers pretty much yer bravest super-powered law enforcement on the planet. The Green Lantern Corps has over 7,000 officers, coverin’ the safety and order of all of space, an’ they only assign two per sector, which is a HUGE area of space to cover. Earth is SO important to us, that not only does this sector get twice the attention every other sector gets, but we all four live right here, an’ all of us on God-blessed American soil, too.
GGG: And as far as I know, as any of us ordinary folks know, among the superheroes the Green Lanterns are the closest thing to a fighting unit with rules and accountability to a chain of command that exists, right? There’s failsafes and military discipline enforced among the Green Lanterns? What would you say, you’re like … the Marines, in space?
GUY: Right on the nose there, Sir! [ gives GGG a John Wayne salute ] The term “corps” couldn’t be more appropriate for us, that’s exactly what we are. There’s an oversight called the Guardians. They’re pretty much as old as the universe itself, and they make decisions governing us as a group. An’ if a Green Lantern steps outta line, the consequences are stiff. They have to be. We have a special unit that’s like internal investigations - they enforce the strict code that the Corps follows. Our rookies go through an intense training period, an’ we don’t pass anyone who’s not cut out for the life of a space cop. We got a rank structure, too. Both me an’ my partner are Honor Guard Lanterns. We got seniority over most of the Corps, an’ deal with higher-profile cases when duty calls.
GGG: Well that’s mighty comforting to hear, I have to say. [ applause from the audience, and a brief chant of “U-S-A! U-S-A! ] And since I respect what the Lanterns do, and what you do, son, I need to ask you this. [ pauses, looking very serious, and sits forward in his chair ] Why in God’s name do you work for the so-called Justice League, an organization full of super-powered liberals who refuse to answer even to the laws and citizens of this great country?
GUY: [ slow grins ] Well, funny ya should mention that... I think there’s somethin’ they don’t want folks to know, since I ain’t heard any press releases on it... but to answer yer question, I don’t work for ‘em. Not anymore. [ looks right into the camera and gives a thumbs-up ] Guy Gardner told those wimps what they could do with their membership just a few days ago!
[ the audience gasps loudly, muttering among themselves, and then one person starts clapping loudly. Applause spreads like wildfire, getting louder and wilder, people leaping to their feet hooting and screaming Guy’s name. GGG lets it go on, shaking his head with an indulgent smile, until the audience is quieted down by the stage manager. ]
GGG: Let me get this straight. You quit the Just Us League? You’re no longer affiliated with them? But you’re still a Green Lantern, correct?
GUY: I told that overgrown Boy Scout Superman that I quit, an’ I threw down my communicator at his little red booties! [ grins at the audience as they again erupt into hoots and cheers ] An’ as for me still bein’ a Green Lantern... [ rises to his feet, steps forward, and rings on his uniform in an instant, with an impressive green glow of his shields at maximum, then floats a few feet off the ground ] ...Does THIS answer yer question, America?
[ The audience of GGG's show goes absolutely wild, stomping and clapping, chants of "GARD-NER!" alternating with "U-S-A!", whistling and cheering. GGG beams around at them, nodding and applauding, gesturing at GUY's glowing green form. He lets this go on for a while before addressing GUY, without asking him to sit down first. ]
GGG: Tell us, Guy -- tell all of us, here in this studio and out there in the rest of the country -- what was it that drove you to quit? You’ve been affiliated with the Just Us League through a few incarnations. Why leave now? Was it something about Superman in particular?
GUY: [ smiles tightly as he leans back in his chair, letting the green glow die down gradually, and crosses his legs ] Let’s just say, I got a little tired of certain people throwin’ their weight around. I’ve been puttin’ up with it for years, like ya said, but this was over a particular issue.
Ya know what I think, Gordy? [ puts a finger to his jaw dramatically, as if delving in serious and educated reasoning ] I think he’s jealous of the Corps. Superman’s this special snowflake, unique among Earthlings, an’ he’s been celebrated for so long, that it grinds his Kryptonian gears that four ordinary, brave, mortal Americans got more power AND authority than he does. The recent dust-up we Green Lanterns had defending Earth from Sinestro an’ his forces pretty much proved that fact, an’ ya know, I can understand why such a big reminder of the Corps’ muscle would make him feel a little ...inadequate, if ya know what I mean. [ smirks ]
GGG: Son, you’ve just summed up what I’ve always thought to be true about that big S-Shielded ego case. Now, you’re gonna have to indulge ole GGG for a moment here, because I might never get this chance again … but how about we play a word association game? I throw out the names of some of the more notorious Just Us Leaguers, and you tell me what they’re REALLY like.
Wonder Woman.
GUY: Pretentious princess. Literally.
GGG: Green Arrow.
GUY: Pfft. Sanctimonious hippie-boy.
GGG: Nightwing.
GUY: *smirks* Celebutard. [ waits for laughter to die down ] All he needs is a little dog to carry around in a purse!
GGG: Worst for last -- Kate Spencer, AKA the Manhunter.
GUY: Rabid feminazi. [ waits for laughs and applause to die down ]
Hey, Gordy, can I just say somethin’ for a sec, here? I gotta be honest, an’ after all, this is America, where we got free speech an’ the right to an opinion... that Kate Spencer ain’t necessarily the worst of the bunch, but she’s one of the most dangerous. I mean, [ holds his hand up to the audience as some start to protest ] No, no, hear me out... okay, she IS a feminist, granted, but at least she’s from Earth, she’s doesn’t wear a bathin’ suit that makes a mockery of the Stars and Stripes like Wonder Woman’s, and she was born an’ raised right here in the U.S. of A. She’s still pretty damn bossy, an’ she won’t hesitate to sue yer ass off. In fact a lot of the Leaguers go to her for legal advice. Barracuda lawyer, all the way. I could name a hella lot worse in that bunch, though.
GGG: Well, you must know that there’s a lot more I could say about Kate Spencer the Manhunter, but I want to throw this opportunity open to the audience before they bumrush the stage!
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Hi, Guy. Now that you’re no longer with the League, how about telling us their secret identities?
GUY: Ahhaha, well. WELL. Here’s the thing... superhero registration ain’t a law yet, and as ya know, a lot of them are a lot more shy about admittin’ who they really are than yours truly. I can’t really say that kind of stuff yet until it’s illegal for them to be keepin’ it a secret, y’know, or I’d probably be served with papers an’ get my glorious backside sued off by the barracuda. Sorry. Next question?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Which of the four of you Green Lanterns is single, and do you have girlfriends? [ giggles as she sits down ]
GUY: [ grins, flirting with her ] What’s YOUR name, darlin’?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: [ giggles more ] Alison.
GUY: That’s a lovely name, Alison. Well, to answer your question - Alison - we’re all eligible bachelors... Two of us are seein’ someone, two ain’t. ...Guess which one I am, Alison? [ wiggles eyebrows and waits for the fangirls to stop squealing ] Heh.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: So do you support us Right Thinkers or what? I mean, you’re talking big about how you threw your League membership back in Superman’s face, but I saw on the news that you were at that anti-GGG fundraiser that Oliver Queen threw in Star City the other day! Are you against the My Mia campaign too, or what? Do you support child abuse or do you support Our Mia?
GUY: [ sets his jaw and glares at the floor for a long moment as the audience falls to a dead quiet ] Yes. I was at that fundraiser. An’ that Mia is quite a spitfire - she seemed to be able to handle herself pretty well if ya ask me. Listen, Guy Gardner left the Justice League because Guy Gardner is his own man. When I find myself flyin’ solo, I don’t need to hop on the nearest bandwagon just because I’m all [ whines ] lonelyyyyy.
Unlike some superheroes that needed to be removed from their ivory tower an’ taken by the hand for a tour of the rougher edges of this great nation of ours, I once called those rougher edges my home, and I never forgot where I came from. After my knee injury ended my pro football hopes, I finished college on my own dime, an’ paid back society by workin’ in the prison system, an’ in children’s education. It’s because I know first-hand that life can be tough, that I jumped at Mia’s invitation to raise money for the homeless. We can’t wait for Big Government to step in and “tax an’ spend” all our problems away. We gotta step up and lend a hand an’ help our fellow Americans ourselves. [ gestures to GGG ] Wasn’t it a Right Thinkin’ journalist who said that the Justice League should come down from their silver cloud and help the everyman? Well MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: Did you just say Superman isn’t well endowed?
GUY: [ smirks ] Nah, I said he might be feelin’ inadequate. I ain’t really interested in checkin’ out his “endowment” to verify if it’s all that “super”, know what I’m sayin’? That’s between him an’ his warehouse pack of tissues. [ audience laughs hard and applauds once they get the joke ]
AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Why are they all so naked all the time or in those obscene costumes? Is it true that the Just Us League has loose morals and sleep around with each other and recruit young girls for sexual exploitation?
GUY: [ pauses, gives the audience member a very serious and firm look ] Let me address that second part first. The Justice League may be many things, but they AIN’T a child prostitute ring. I’m a Green Lantern, an’ that means I’m a sworn peace officer. We protect the innocent, an’ uphold the law. No way in hell any of the four of us would stand for that kind of thing happenin’ right under our noses, so NO, the League does NOT sexually exploit, abuse, or mistreat children or any of its members in any way, you have my word on that.
Now, as to the costumes... on one hand, clothes that ain’t too baggy are a bit more efficient in superhero work - they don’t catch on things, less air resistance for flight... not so different from a gymnast or wrestler. On the other hand... Powergirl. WHAT is up with that boob window, amirite? [ audience replies with various shouts of agreement while others laugh ] And the bald green guy? Have we got a picture of him, Gordy? [ waits for the studio technicians to bring up a picture of Martian Manhunter on a screen for the audience. ] What is he WEARIN’? What is that, the official uniform of the Martian Olympic Weightlifting team? [ audience laughs and applauds ] Next question...
AUDIENCE MEMBER #6: What about the rest of the Green Lanterns? Are they leaving the League too?
Guy: I don’t know. We have talked about it a little, an’ they support what I did 100%. They don’t gotta quit the League to prove their loyalty to me or the Corps, because the whole time any of us have been in the League, it’s always been the Corps that we’ve served and answered to first. An’ since the Corps defends freedom, I gotta give my ring brothers the freedom to decide for themselves.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #7: Gordon’s always told us that if we see a superzero trying to throw their weight around in our neighbourhoods, to go up to them and challenge their authority and ask them questions. Is that -- should we do that, or is there some kinda list that we get on up there in your fortress? Some kinda secret superzero list of us regular citizens who are branded troublemakers?
GUY: [ holds up his hands in front of him ] Woah, woah, back the truck up there... Now, I wouldn’t want anyone doin’ nothin’ dangerous. Gettin’ in between Superman an’ Brainiac in the middle of a fight is hazardous to yer health. Best to stay well clear an’ indoors when superheroes are doin’ their thing, because those situations can get pretty unpredictable. But, if Supes stuck around afterwards to sign autographs, then sure, why not? Ask ‘em all the questions ya like, especially my favourite, who the hell do they answer to? An’ no, ya won’t get on a list. The League ain’t got the time or inclination to track good, law-abidin’ citizens like yerself, an’ last time I checked, free speech was a constitutional right, not a crime!
